


Breakup 2k19

by confusednoob



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Asexuality, Beards (Relationships), Break Up, Depression, Dissociation, Emotional Constipation, Emotions, F/M, Family, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Internalized Homophobia, Isolation, Lies, Loss of Parent(s), Marked with rape/non-con because I'm a survivor, Mental Health Issues, Moving On, Optimism, Parent Death, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Siblings, Racism, Rage, Repression, Research, Secret Relationship, Secrets, Self-Sacrifice, Sexual Repression, So it may or may not show up, Therapy, Unrequited Love, Welcome to the shit show, living vicariously through fan-fiction, than by posting them online, what better way to let out the emotions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-04 05:35:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17892476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/confusednoob/pseuds/confusednoob
Summary: My relationship of four and a half years ended last month, 1/2019. My goal is to let all of the emotions out. Let that shit go. Because I'm young, and there's no way in fucking hell I'm gonna carry this shit into the future. I'm just gonna put all of it on here. Which means I might say some fucked up shit, idk. It's not necessarily true or a hard opinion. It's whatever is flowing out of me at that moment. I've done plenty of burying the ugly stuff because it's not ~desirable~. All that does is prolong it.Rape/non-con is tagged because I am a survivor, as was my ex. I don't know if that will show up ever, but I will absolutely add warnings beforehand.





	1. Playlist

**Author's Note:**

> Ze playlist. For ze crying. Bitch better have tissues.

As of 2/22/19:

 

1\. First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes

_This is the first day of my life. Swear I was born right in the doorway._

_Yours is the first face that I saw. Swear I was blind before I met you._

I was lost in him so quickly. I believed so much.

_I remember the time you drove all night, just to meet me in the morning._

But he would never. He'd bother to wake up when I got there if I whined enough.

_I'm glad I didn't die before I met you._

I thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives. I thought he was someone I could grow old with. Silly girl.

 

2\. Carry You by Jimmy Eat World

_It hurts because it should; how else am I to make it clear?_

Why couldn't he hurt me then? Why couldn't he suck it up and do it, so I wouldn't have to hurt like I do now.

_I could never be the one that you want, don't ask~_

He couldn't be in love with me. It's impossible, he's gay. I can't be the one he wants. I think what he really wants is a version of himself he could respect.

_Well, here's to livin' in the moment, cause it passed~_

_It passed._

Fuck it hurts. 

_Maybe a lie is what I need sometimes; you told the most and best of anyone._

He didn't even have to lie. He could just keep quiet and nudge me into believing he loved me. I was so sure that he respected me enough to tell me the truth, I never even considered it was a lie.

_You better choose your words carefully, because I'm not your anything._

Is this how he felt? I would never have to say this, because he will never want me.

_Gonna stay here in my place, and you stay in yours, because you're only good is what you're good for._

How could he use me? How could he drain me of all my energy and lock me away to suffer, all for fucking nothing.

 

3\. Country Roads by John Denver

_Almost heaven, West Virginia. Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River._

_Life is old there, older than the trees, younger than the mountains, blowin' like a breeze._

So I'm from California, but I stayed in NYC to be with him. I missed it like John Denver missed West Virginia. 

_Country roads, take me home, to the place I belong~_

_West Virginia, mountain mamma, take me home, country roads._

Why didn't I follow my heart back to California?

_All my memories, gather round her, miner's lady, stranger to blue water._

_Dark and dusty, painted on the sky, misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye._

The hurt feels okay when I can feel the wind, smell the redwoods, see the sun.

_I hear her voice, in the morning hour she calls me, the radio reminds me of my home far away._

_And drivin' down the road I get a feelin' that I should have been home yesterday, yesterday~_

I should've gone home. I shouldn't have let his comfort supersede my needs.

 

4. A Sunflower Song by Nice Peter

_Take a look at this sunflower, standin' so tall. Isn't it pretty? It started so small._

_But it kept growing, and it never stopped._

He would get pissed off when I would play this song, like for our alarm in the morning. But that's so shitty. Like did he need to squash all the joy?

_And it's just love, water, and sunshine, makes it so high._

_And it's not looking down on me, it shows me the sky._

I never looked down on him. But I think looking up at me made him look down on himself.

 

5\. Black Rose by Trapt

_I saw you in the garden, I wanted you so much. I really thought that you were different, oh I couldn't get enough._

I really did think he was different. I thought he would be honest with me, even when it was hard.

_I tried to save you from yourself. I felt every high and low. But the lows have drowned the highs away, now there's nowhere else to go._

I did feel every high and low. But it was mostly lows.

_Black rose your thorns are cutting into me, for the last time. Black rose I watched your petals wilt away._

_I couldn't bring you back to life._

I took the pain, thinking he would try. Thinking he would get better. Trusting.

_You were always where the sun could never go._

_I never wanted you to have to be alone._

A few months ago when I thought about the possibility of us breaking up, I spent ten minutes talking with my therapist about how much pain he would be in. I didn't consider myself for a second.

_But I couldn't find a way to help you grow, black rose._

All I ever wanted was for him to find a way to be happy. 

_You never tell me how you feel, and your moods they always change._

He would never fucking tell me. Always kept me guessing. 95% of the time that he was irritated, I had no idea why, but of course I knew that he was. Couldn't miss that shit.

_I really tried to make it real, but you never had the faith._

It was only real when it went from me to him. He couldn't respect himself, how the fuck could he respect me?

_I tried to give you something good, take the pain away._

_I tried to make you understand, you don't have to be this way._

You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

_I'm not the one that hurt you, so why are you so scared?_

_(I couldn't save you) (You are who you are)_

_All that you've been put through, couldn't be repaired._

_(I couldn't break through) (We're too far apart)_

So vile that he's broken because of what was done to him. He needed to reclaim his life, but he just let the trauma rule him.

 

6\. White Horse by Taylor Swift ~ Stephen Jerzak cover

_Say you're sorry, that face of an angel comes out just when you need it to._

_As I pace back and forth all this time, cause I honestly believed in you._

I really did believe in him. Thought if we got hurt, it wouldn't be someone's fault. It would just be that things didn't work out.

_Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes, I never really had a chance._

I fell so quick and so hard. He pretended he would catch me.

_My mistake, I didn't know to be in love, I had to fight to have the upper hand._

What came from me was pure. I didn't know he resented it.

_Cause you're not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale,_

_You're gonna find someone someday who might actually treat you well._

It hurts because I thought I'd found him. And it hurts because this line makes it sound so rare.


	2. Journal Entry 1/30/19

I'm writing in attempt to force myself to process. Jerry (pseudo) and I are no longer together. I didn't know it, but he hasn't wanted to be with me and didn't feel in love with me for 2 years. It's so fucking hard. It was just pretend. For him. He treated me like shit and made me endure so much pain for no fucking reason. I worked hard to save it and give him enough chances, because I never realized there was no "it" to save. I trusted him with everything I had.

But I don't know who "he" is. He would never tell me how he felt. I realized that our last two conversations were the first and only time he was ever genuine with me. He said that when I was very confident in our relationship, he started to resent me, because he couldn't be that confident too. Imagine that, resenting someone because they care about you.

He's so cruel. I never knew he was cruel. He made me feel so bad. He locked me up in a fake cage, and I stayed there because he promised me the bars were real. He took every ounce of energy I had, never gave back, and only asked for more more more. More to soothe  _his_ discomfort, accommodate  _his_ pain. More to let him rest in silk sheets while I told him from the ground beneath that I was in pain, and he pretended that he would try. That he was invested in our crumbling home.

He made me fear my own self-expression. He made me silence my passion and only pull it out of its box when I was alone, so as not to offend his sensibilities. That bastard used me for all I was worth, knowing his heart never belonged to me. All this time, I thought I was done with liars. I think I'll never know how much of him was just my imagination.


	3. Journal entry 2/3/19

However okay I feel on my own, /Jerry/ keeps invading my dreams. It's so much whiplash. Going from someone you hope to spend your life with, swearing by them and believing they'll come to support you, to learning in a moment that you never really knew them at all. That they never  _really_ loved you. That they had never learned to respect themself and couldn't have hoped to respect you.

I have no idea what to do. It's making my derealization worse. Confirming that the most important thing in my life was just a fantasy. Not a fantasy that I created out of madness, but one that was forced, with awareness and intent to fool.

I had to do some grounding. I felt my sanity floating away. Some other parts of my mind are fighting very hard to distract me. Sex, housework, computer games, it's all pulling. I feel frustration, some outrage that I should even have to mourn him. He turned out to be so far beneath me. And even that somehow hurts because I always wanted better for him.

I feel like my heart's been ripped out of my chest.

I think the dissociation is also fighting for control, because when I try to think of the memories with him, it gets hazy. It's weighing so heavily on me, and yet it feels so easy to just cast it aside.


	4. Letter to /Jerry/, 2/22/19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is me using the "write a letter and don't send it" technique. There's so much I want to say, scream, cry at him. But I can't see how any of that could actually be of use to me if I really did it.

I don't want to believe it. That it was all in my head. I never imagined this could happen. I never understood that you could be so cruel. And I never took you for a coward. I didn't know your heart was yellow.

They ask why I didn't leave, when I knew I was in pain, when you knew I was in pain. Because of faith. I had such pure, shimmering faith that you would get better. You latched yourself into my heart, into the corner that rests as a child, blooming wonder and belief. And I was blinded by my love for you.

"You". I realized that those last conversations were the only time you were ever honest with me. And probably yourself. You never told me how you felt. Nonchalance and silence. I spent too much time to count talking to a wall. But I took the burden. Blind faith showed me how to attach meaning to your dulled eyes. And you never respected me enough to correct me. I never saw you until you set me free. I spent four and a half years with the "you" that my imagination created.

You said you came to resent me because of my belief in you, in us. I can understand it logically, but I can't fathom ever feeling like that. Resent someone because they love me? What a hideous existence. How very far below me.

Of course, everyone knows I outgrew you so quickly. A woman trying to elevate a sad, selfish little boy to become equal with me.

But you didn't have the guts.

You stayed there, in the rusted cage your parents built for you, and you mended the holes in the bars. It's not so hard when you have an oblivious lover to feed you, clean for you, get you up and dressed for class. It's just the cherry on top that you get to misplace your anger onto her when your dysfunction starts to evidence.

Take responsibility for yourself? Please.

Love yourself?

_No. Hide it away. Mom and Dad said it's useless, just a waste of their money._


	5. Research results

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Results from an evening I spent researching how to get through a breakup, plus some stuff that was already in my head.

Mantras

  * No relationship is a waste of time.
  * Feelings are not facts.
  * Everythingoes.
  * Let that shit go.
  * Be kind to yourself.



 

Tips

  * Don't isolate yourself. Surround yourself with people who lift you up.
  * Keep busy, but not so busy that you don't mourn.
  * Take time for  _you_ , just you.
  * Continue doing things you enjoy, however small.
  * Dress yourself up, just to remind yourself that you're sexy, smart, and desirable.
  * Use creative outlets, like music, dance, etc.
  * Journal.
  * Recognize that you must rebuild some amount of your identity as an individual, rather than as a partner to your loved one.
  * Exercise.
  * Take care of your basic needs, or enlist someone to help if you need to; such as eating, hydrating, sleeping, washing, doing your laundry, cleaning your house, and so on.
  * Don't rebound. Recognize that you need time and space to heal.



 

Exercises

  * Grounding: Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Focus on the parts of your body that feel the most supported by the seat, the ground. Stay with those parts. If there is discomfort in other parts of your body, invite the supported ones to help them. Breathe. You are here. You are real. You are strong. Repeat as many times and as often as needed.
  * Ball of light: When a feeling caused by a person won't leave you alone ~ Take 30 seconds, and imagine that feeling as a ball of light. Pour all of it into that ball, with all the intensity you can muster. When 30 seconds is done, take that ball of light, and send it to the person who caused the feeling. Let it go. Repeat as many times and as often as needed.
  * Alter ego: Create an alter ego for yourself, as flushed out and dramatic as you want. Then take time to spend as that alter ego, whether it is by role play, writing, embodying it when you go out, etc. Your story is not over. It's never too late to be who you want to be.
  * Letter: Write a letter, but don't actually send it. Get what you want to say to someone out, however you want to say it, even if it's not kind.
  * Pipe cleaners: When you have a huge jumble of tangled emotions that's nagging at you ~ Take different colors of pipe cleaners and tangle them together. Then, untangle each pipe cleaner one by one. Each time you take a pipe cleaner out, label it with an emotion you are experiencing that feels right. Once you have all the pipe cleaners straightened out and laying next to each other, take a moment to think about how they should be organized. Move them around to what feels right. Notice which are connected, and how. Acknowledge that each and every one exists, and that you will address them at some point, even if now is not the time. 
  * Do one nice thing for yourself every day.



**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for coming by.


End file.
